The Courage of a 3-Week Old

What a few days we have had!  Here is a quick overview:

Over the weekend, two separate doctors referred us to a Dr. Grimmer at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City.  He is a pediatric otolaryngologist and the director of the Vascular Anomalies Center which treats vascular birthmarks.  I called on Monday morning and we were scheduled for Tuesday morning.  At our appointment on Tuesday, Dr. Grimmer confirmed that Baker has several large hemangiomas on his head and neck and based on the pattern of them, he is confident that there are some in his airway as well.  He wanted to test Baker for PHACES Syndrome (pretty daunting if you look it up) and start him on medication as soon as possible.

So, we were admitted to Primary Children's Hospital a couple of hours later. Yesterday he had an MRI, Echocardiogram, and was examined by pediatric opthamologists, pediatric ENT doctors, pediatric dermatologists, and pediatric cardiologists.  To make a very long story (and longer day) short, all testing for PHACES was negative and we started medication last night!  This medication is Propranolol and babies this young must be admitted to the hospital to start it because it lowers blood pressure and blood sugar and the doctors want to monitor those things to make sure Baker's little body can manage all of it. So far, we are two doses in and he is a champ!  This medicine has a great success rate and will typically stop growth of the tumors and even start the shrinking process sooner.

I've been holding up pretty well through most of this!  However, yesterday when I was holding Baker while the anesthesiologist administered his anesthesia for his testing, I had a moment of weakness.  I wasn't expecting it, but I had a hard time watching my 24-day-old baby fall asleep and have to go back to our little room to wait for him.  Luckily, he has been the strong one this entire time.  It's amazing to me that such a small baby can have such courage.  But, through the IV's, the procedures, the beeping machines, and the gross medicine, Baker has been the strength for us.  Health, especially your children's health, is an interesting thing.  It really trumps everything else that you thought was important for you or your children when it isn't quite there.  But when it is, it's so simple to take it for granted.  There are so many sweet children here who have it much worse than we do and we are absolutely blessed more than we could have hoped for.

P.S. Shoutout to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City.  I am amazed by the care we receive constantly and we absolutely couldn't be in a better place.

What if...?

Our son, Baker, was born exactly three weeks ago.  He is perfect in so many ways, and absolutely a perfect addition to our family.
But, if you look at him, you'll probably notice one of his imperfections before anything else.  Baker has one (if not more) large hemangioma that is currently on his left eye and nose.  When he was born, his complexion was even and there was no sign of any type of red mark.  At about ten days old, we started to notice this red birthmark (we assumed) forming on the bridge of his nose.  Since then, it has continued to grow and we believe he has one around his left ear and one on his bottom lip as well.  His pediatrician, and several others, believe this is a hemangioma, which is a type of benign tumor seen in about 10% of infants.  The tumor appears as a red mark; it grows, darkens, and swells until about six months old.  At that point, growth stops and the tumor slowly shrinks and eventually disappears over the next few of years. This would be totally fine and acceptable except for the location of Baker's hemangioma(s).  Where his are located, as soon as they start to swell, they could impact the development and function of his vision, airways, and hearing.  We are heading to pediatric specialists this week to get a treatment plan in place.
As you can imagine, this unexpected news has been stressful for our family.  Just in the past week as we have researched and contacted doctors and specialists, we can't help but have questions.  We could constantly ask, "What if he didn't have this condition?"  Right, life would be a lot easier and we would just cruise along without much hardship.  But, he does have it.  So we've decided to ask "What if we didn't have great health insurance?" "What if there weren't people who dedicated years of their lives to studying things like pediatric dermatology or pediatric opthamology?" "What if we lived far from any of the specialists that we need to see?" "What if we didn't have love coming from great people in our lives?" "What if we both worked full time and would need to take time off to care for Baker?" It's tough to feel down about yourself (or your son) when you consider all of that. We may have a difficult circumstance, but we have all of the tools we need to overcome it.
Statistically, hemangiomas are the most common in females, caucasians, and babies that were born prematurely.  It just so happens that Baker doesn't fit into any of those categories. So. we must all really need to learn something from this.

Lianola Kathryn's Birth

Life really is amazing.  We have an absolutely perfect month-old girl and she is our everything.  She has made sleep rare, hobbies and personal interests non-existent, and requires 95% of our attention.  But I would not have it any other way.

Leading up to the big day:
I had a very easy, low-risk pregnancy.  Everything went as planned and baby and I were always healthy - we were really blessed.  My check-ups were normal and I was getting excited to meet this little baby.  On Monday, May 12th, I picked up Brian from the airport (he had been visiting his family in Houston for the weekend) and went straight to my 38 week doctors appointment.  I had been having some contractions - nothing painful at all - and I didn't expect much.  It turns out, I was 2.5 centimeters dilated and 40% effaced.  We were shocked!  The doctor told us to pay close attention to my body over the next several days and not hesitate to call the advice line or head to the hospital if I felt like I needed to.  I did just that - and more.  I tried everything they tell you will start labor and none of it seemed to really work long-term.
By Thursday, May 15th, I headed to the hospital because I had been having contractions that were rather regular.  I was 4 centimeters dilated but not regular enough for them to admit me.  I headed home for a few days... then back to the hospital on Sunday, May 18th.  Same exact result.  At this point, I was growing extremely impatient.  I was having contractions all day and night, every day and night, and was so sore and big.  I just didn't know what to wait for or what I should be feeling.  I was mostly worried because I had dilated to a 4 without any pain and I didn't want to get too far without knowing it.
On Tuesday, May 20th, I headed to the hospital one more time.  This time, I was having a lot of pain in my left kidney and I was pretty concerned.  I have a lot of history of kidney problems and didn't want this to be anything serious.  I got there, took some pain medicine, and they started testing blood and urine samples.  The tests all came back perfectly clean, which is great.  However, I was on the contraction monitor/baby heart rate monitor and they told me that were some dips in the baby's heart rate and I had short, consistent contractions that concerned them which may have indicated a low amount of amniotic fluid (which is dangerous).  My doctor did an ultrasound to measure the amount of fluid around the baby.  She found that I actually had an extremely high amount of fluid and wanted another doctor to check it.  The second doctor came in, did another ultrasound, and found that I had a lot of fluid and an aged placenta.  My placenta looked as if it were two weeks overdue, which means that the baby no longer gets the kind of nutrients that she needs.  Because of all of those factors combined, Brian, both doctors, and I decided that the best decision would be to have me admitted to the hospital as a high-risk patient and induced.

The Birth:
I was admitted to the hospital about 3:00 pm on Tuesday, May 20th.  I made my way to my delivery room, which was huge, beautiful, and comfortable.  My mom arrived and they started me on pitocin, which made my contractions regular and stronger.  I still didn't feel much pain at all and was dilated to about 5 centimeters and 65% effaced.  My family came around 7:00 pm and we hung out for a couple of hours.  The doctor decided to break my water at 11:00 pm and my family went home to get some sleep at that point as well.  My contractions definitely got stronger immediately.
I went into this experience wanting a natural birth (aka no epidural).  I knew that this was something that I could do myself and the thought of being able to be in control of the whole experience and do it naturally was, and still is, such a special thought.  So, I used other methods to cope with my pain when it actually began.  Since I was hooked up to an IV for the pitocin, I couldn't move around as much as I wanted.  They also wanted to keep an eye on baby's heart rate, so I kept that monitor on constantly.
I spent the next few hours going from the bed to the shower, which relieved a lot of pain.  My mom came back around 2:30, when the pain was difficult to talk through and Brian was exhausted.  When she got there, I also asked the nurse for some pain medicine.  This relaxed me for a good 45 minutes and helped me to rest a bit, but I still couldn't sleep.  I stuck out the contractions as they got worse and worse and at about 6:00 am asked the nurse to see how far I had progressed.  I was dilated to an 8 and 85% effaced.  That's when I decided to get an epidural.  I was exhausted from the pain and not sleeping at all through the night and I really wanted to have all of the energy that I could for delivery and being with my baby after.  I was perfectly fine with the decision; and looking back, I think it was the best decision for that situation.
The epidural was wonderful - it took away about all of my pain and allowed me to sleep for a good two hours (which felt like 12).  I woke up about 8:30 when my family came back.  The nurse would come in to check on me and kept reminding me to tell her when I started to feel any pain or pressure at all because that meant that delivery was fast approaching.
I hadn't felt anything different, but the doctor came and checked me at about 10:30 and said that I was ready for delivery!  We were so excited - just as giddy as when we found out we would be admitted to the hospital!  I felt so great; happy and energized and ready to meet my baby girl.  The nurses got my room all set up for delivery - which they had started to do in the middle of the night, and got me excited all over again.  I pushed for 20 minutes and before I knew it, I was holding my baby girl!

Meeting Lianola:
She was perfect!  She had the sweetest little cry, but spent most of her first few hours looking around.  As soon as daddy started talking, her gaze went straight to him.  He talked to her for a good ten minutes and she just stared and stared.  She didn't cry when she got her shots, she fell asleep (arms straight above her head) on the measuring table, and nursing came perfectly natural to her.  We loved her so much.  We watched her all day and night and haven't stopped since.

Butterflies

At this very moment, I'm sitting in the waiting room in a hospital in Eastern Idaho while Brian has ACL surgery.  This is the third surgery he's had that we've been together for and I wouldn't change that for the world.  Although we have a lot going on in our lives right now, it's so much fun to go through it with him.  Marriage is a really interesting thing.  

There are times when you don't want your spouse to say a word to you and times when you can't wait to hear their voice.  There are times when it's so hard to get along with another person all of the time and times when you realize how lucky you are to have that specific person in your life.  There are times when you want them to do exactly what they're not doing and times when they give you what you need and you didn't realize it.

Lately, and especially today, I'm grateful for Brian.  I'm happy that, after being married for a year and a half, I'm still amazed by the type of person that he is.  I'm happy that I'm the one person who gets to listen to Brian's complaints, joys, troubles, and excitements.  I"m happy that I'm the one who gets to wait for hours while he's in surgery and take care of him after.

I wrote him a poem for Valentine's Day this year and, since he's knocked out and can't say anything, I"m going to share it.

Date after date, day after day,

I watched you watching me

Stealing my heart one smile at a time,

I’d laugh and hoped you would see

That holding your hand and kissing your cheek

Gave me some sort of happiness

That I’d never felt but I had waited for;

A feeling I didn’t want to miss

That feeling still remains when you wink at me,

Or when you smile and look into my eyes

After all this time, almost two years later,

You give me butterflies

When we first met, I had no idea

How much I had left to grow

I thought I had it down, thought I was just fine

But little did I know

That you were there to teach me how to be patient

How to laugh through any tough trial

How to forgive quickly and forget even faster

How to wake up every day with a smile

I can’t wait to see what there is next

For me to learn from you and I

All I can tell for now is

You’re turning me into a butterfly

We talked about it often and daydreamed together

Never knowing the day would soon come

That we would prepare for a huge change,

Possibly our own little one

Doctors and pictures in black and white,

Waiting for her little kicks

She loves you so much, I can’t wait to see

How you turn into best friends so quick

I wanted a girl and you did too

And I think I’ve figured out why

For a precious daughter to call you Daddy,

Our little butterfly

Fat and Happy

When you're pregnant, you find so many people that really care about you.  Every day when I walk into work, everyone that I see will ask me how I'm feeling.  It's pretty strange at first, to be honest.  But now I'm really appreciating it.  Every person in church, neighbor in the laundry room, supervisor at work, and friend at school that I run into really wants to know that I'm doing okay.  And if I'm not doing okay, they'll tell me about how their mother-in-law's niece found a cure for morning sickness and proceed to send me the recipe.   And I more-than-appreciate all of it.
The first 14 weeks of this pregnancy have been pretty good; disregarding that I have nothing to compare it to.  I've been pretty consistently nauseous the entire time.  I've had killer headaches that I've never been close to experiencing.  I've been tired at any given moment.  I've also seen and heard my own baby's heart beating.  I've made endless plans and goals for our near-future children.  I've watched my husband smile as he describes the dream that he has about our daughter jumping on the bed with us.  It's pretty amazing.  And I'm awfully excited.
So, thank you to everyone for the thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes.  We love you an awful lot.  And our little baby is already the most loved baby in the world because of you.

Filthy Rich

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind.  Brian and I sold a car, bought a car, left school for two weeks, spent a week in Folsom, spent a week in Disneyland with both our families, and returned to the lovely Rexburg, Idaho.  As you can imagine, some of these activities could possibly leave us with a little less money than we had before.
Ever since we returned to Idaho, we've had to round up all of the expenses and face the truth.  That truth is... my husband and I are both full-time students working part-time hourly jobs to pay for two cars, gas, an apartment, utilities, car insurance, cable, internet, a dog, food, surgery bills, and school.  Sometimes it's tough to think of how much money was in our bank account the week after we got married and deposited all of our gifts and then look at that account now.  Being my father's daughter, I tend to stress out about what we could have done without, what we should do without in the future, what mistakes we are making every day, etc.  Let me tell you, that is exhausting.
At least, it's exhausting until I come home from grocery shopping the sales out of the store.  And I notice something.  I have more than a quarter tank of gas in my car.  My first-semester American Foundations teacher stops me as I'm leaving because he remembers my name and wants to know how I'm doing.  My dog runs out of the apartment, tail wagging, tongue flapping, as soon as I open the door because he is so excited to see me.  My cabinets are brimming full of food.  My refrigerator has fresh milk, eggs, and cheese.  My freezer has the top tier of my wedding cake, anxiously waiting to be eaten in two and a half months.  My husband left his sweaty work-out clothes on the ground and his two knee surgeries this year have been more than successful.  I found out today that I'm receiving financial aid that will pay my entire tuition.  My mom is calling me with great stories about being a doula.
And I realized.  What more can I ask for?  In those moments that I get stressed out, Brian says something to me that really helps calm me down.  He reminds me that "We will never have enough money."  But I don't have a doubt that will we always be rich.

Reflection

I really appreciate Sundays and the opportunities I get to reflect on the journeys life has blessed me with thus far. A year ago today I met the most amazing young women that I would eventually ask to marry me and in that moment my life would be complete with her by my side. Life feels so much more meaningful and special with her in my life. I find myself acting more for her and thinking more about her than I do about my own self. From the day that Maddi came into my life, all the thoughts of being mediocre and not striving for more have gone out the window. A good, faithful, strong, and independent woman does not just come along and wait for you to have success, you have to strive and work hard for it so you show her that you are actually worth something and you have dreams and aspirations you are striving to achieve. April 14, 2012 my world was turned upside down and I am positive that this fairytale that I am living will just keep getting better and better!